Probably one of my first memories is church. My family went religiously to church for Sunday School, Sunday morning service, Sunday night service, and Wednesday night. I don't really remember life without church. I wouldn't say that church was a great experience for me but at the time I didn't know any different. I remember wanting to have communion and I would even drink the leftover grape juice from the used communion cups just to feel as though I was an adult. There were great times as a child at church like the year that someone hid quarters in straw at a picnic and all of us kids got to find them. I loved the pot lucks, vacation Bible School, and of course church camp. Still there are memories thatbother me....memories that I wish I could get rid of. I remember when I was very young we had a preacher who would yell from the pulpit. He scared me! He was a big man and it seemed as though he was angry every Sunday. Then their was Awanas on Wednesday when they played the tape of "Hell" and told us that they weren't trying to scare us. Of course they were trying to scare us...I knew that at the age of 8. I went to a Lutheran preschool for awhile and I remember that the pastor wore some big white robe and again scared me half to death...I thought he was God. I sobbed and screamed. Obviously my reaction came from a girl who was scared of God.
So here I am years later....in my house by myself....still dealing with similar issues that I dealt with 20 some years ago. I still fear God in an unhealthy way. I am still skeptical of preachers who try to coax me into repentance by fear. I am also bored right now in my faith. Thats right...I'm bored. Partially it is my fault. I've allowed my heart to become hard in the last few weeks. I think God is out to get me and enjoys watching me suffer.
A few months ago I read about this professor who once was a strong Evangelical Christian and now is an Atheist. He said that he started to lose faith when he went to Africa and saw millions of people sufferring. I can see how that can happen because I am struggling right now in my faith because of things around me.
I have fought to overcome the guilt from my early upbringing in the church. Still I can't seem to keep my history and my current struggles from interfering with my relationship with God.
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1 comment:
i think there are definitely things in this world that we can't understand. we don't see the big picture. but i know that God is a loving God and doesn't want us to suffer, but wants us to have an abundant life. so many of the problems in life are because of what people choose (free will) and the consequences because of their actions. life is hard. we are living in a fallen world. if it was perfect we wouldn't long for a better place in heaven.
i hope you will keep seeking him and live your life for him. that is what this life is all about - bringing glory to God and pointing others to him that do not know him, not just through our words, but in our actions.
i hope you will also see God as a father that loves you and not just as someone to fear. he is a loving God that supplies all our needs and loves us.
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