Growing Up in Church

Probably one of my first memories is church. My family went religiously to church for Sunday School, Sunday morning service, Sunday night service, and Wednesday night. I don't really remember life without church. I wouldn't say that church was a great experience for me but at the time I didn't know any different. I remember wanting to have communion and I would even drink the leftover grape juice from the used communion cups just to feel as though I was an adult. There were great times as a child at church like the year that someone hid quarters in straw at a picnic and all of us kids got to find them. I loved the pot lucks, vacation Bible School, and of course church camp. Still there are memories thatbother me....memories that I wish I could get rid of. I remember when I was very young we had a preacher who would yell from the pulpit. He scared me! He was a big man and it seemed as though he was angry every Sunday. Then their was Awanas on Wednesday when they played the tape of "Hell" and told us that they weren't trying to scare us. Of course they were trying to scare us...I knew that at the age of 8. I went to a Lutheran preschool for awhile and I remember that the pastor wore some big white robe and again scared me half to death...I thought he was God. I sobbed and screamed. Obviously my reaction came from a girl who was scared of God.
So here I am years later....in my house by myself....still dealing with similar issues that I dealt with 20 some years ago. I still fear God in an unhealthy way. I am still skeptical of preachers who try to coax me into repentance by fear. I am also bored right now in my faith. Thats right...I'm bored. Partially it is my fault. I've allowed my heart to become hard in the last few weeks. I think God is out to get me and enjoys watching me suffer.
A few months ago I read about this professor who once was a strong Evangelical Christian and now is an Atheist. He said that he started to lose faith when he went to Africa and saw millions of people sufferring. I can see how that can happen because I am struggling right now in my faith because of things around me.
I have fought to overcome the guilt from my early upbringing in the church. Still I can't seem to keep my history and my current struggles from interfering with my relationship with God.