Lori Jackson

The last few weeks I've been crying over a woman I barely know. Her name is Lori Jackson and when I was a little girl she was a teenager in my church. She is young, has three kids, and a loving husband and family in Iowa. A few months ago I found out that she was dying from cancer. I was told about a web journal that her family was keeping for her to track her daily progress and to have friends and family encourage her with writing. I started to read her updates and have written a few notes of encouragement. So many nights when I'm reading notes from her loved ones I have cried. I have asked God why he would let this happen to such a beautiful woman who loves Him so much. I am left with no answers and no understanding other than his Holy Spirit of Peace. I keep thinking about my own mortality...I would not be suprised if someday to find out that I am terminal and dying. Cancer happens so often anymore. In some ways I wish I could live my life (mentally and emotionally) as though I have only a few years left on this earth.
I think about Lori as she is spending her last few weeks in Hospice. Tomorrow she is going on a date with her husband. What will that look like? What will they say to each other? How will they end their evening together? I can only imagine what a sad but desperately needed date it will be.
What if it was my last week with my husband? This question has made me think about my love for him. I have struggled lately understanding love as it becomes comfortable and familiar. I am sure though that if it was my last week on earth my passion for Ryan would be so real and amazing. My prayer is that over the next month as we are a part from one another that I will live my life and love my relationships as though my time on earth is short.

Miracle Drug

I want to trip inside your head. Spend the day there...To hear the things you haven't said And see what you might see.

I want to hear you when you call. Do you feel anything at all? I want to see your thoughts take shape and walk right out.

Freedom has a scent....like the top of a new born baby's head

The songs are in your eyes I see them when you smile. I've had enough I'm not giving up On a Miracle Drug.

Of Science and the human heart..there is no limit. There is no failure here sweetheart...Just when you quit.

I am you and you are mine. Love makes no senese of space and time..will disappear. Love and logic keep us clear. Reason is on our side...love...

The songs are in your eyes..I see them when you smile. I've had enough of romantic love I'd give it up, yeah, I'd give it up...For a miracle drug, a miracle drug, a miracle drug

God, I need your help tonight!

Beneth the notes, below the din, I hear a voice, It's whispering, In science and in medicine I was a stranger you took me in"

-U2

California

I miss California. I guess I at least miss the moments of bliss that I had when everything seemed like a dream. I had a few amazing encounters during my 8 months living there. I didn't enjoy it like I should have. I was preoccupied with my job. After I left Cali I came back a few times to visit and finally I let myself breath and soak in its mystery. One time I sat on Corona Beach in the middle of January alone gazing into the Ocean with the cool breeze blowing my hair around as I wrote in my journal. Another time I rented a Convertible and headed to Santa Barbara with a friend. I remember these experiences as though they were yesterday. I don't think I've ever been drawn to a place before in my life like I was drawn to California. But I don't think it was the scenery that I was drawn to...I think I was drawn to the hope that something exciting was going to happen to my life. Even though I had amazing times I would have to say that the most exciting times happened before and after California. They mystery of California keeps you longing-keeps you believing that it is so much bigger and better then it really is.

Song From Crowded House:
Love this Life-Don't wait till the next one comes.
Maybe the day will come when we never have to feel no pain after all my complaining gonna love this life love this life love this life.

It's just a Fantasy

So I was talking recently with a friend about Fantasy. You know the world where we live that makes everything that isn't reality seem so much better than where we currently live. Why does Fantasy fool us? It fools me all of the time. I catch myself day dreaming about anything that isn't my reality...instantly I'm convinced that it will be better and much more exciting than my current boring life.
Lately I feel like I'm boring. I wouldn't say that I'm discontent or that I'm depressed. I think I just feel like I'm sitting on potential that needs to be used before I get too old.
Fantasy is deceptive. The minute you get anything you fantasize about you are disappointed and disoriented. And then where do you go from there...one more fantasy that never fulfills....at least not the way you fantasized about it.

Don't Dream It's Over

I can't believe I'm writing twice in one day. So, I'm a big Crowded House Fan. Unfortunately I never made it to one of their concerts but I did hear (from a little bird) that they (minus the drummer) are touring soon. I did make it to two Neil Finn concerts when I was living in Minneapolis and he was amazing in concert!

So, why do I bring up Crowded House? Well I recently was talking to a friend of mine about the meaning of their hit song, "Don't Dream It's Over". I guess you could say that everyone has a different story that comes to their mind when they hear this song. That is really what songs are...life stories set to music. Whenever I hear this song I am instantly taken back to a certain time in my life. A time when I was more optimistic about my future. A time when I really believed I could still be or do anything that I set my mind to. A time in my life when all of the signs in my life were pointing towards failure but a passion in my heart knew that my life was just beginning. This song is about courage, strength, and love. It kicks you in the butt and make you want to get up on your roof and shout "I'm not giving up!". No matter how hard life kicks and hits me I refuse to give in to despair. I will fight to dream and fight to keep people away who want to ruin my dreams. So, now I'm 31 and I'm trying to believe that I have better life chapters ahead...that I still have more time to dream.

Seattle or Bust

So I'm moving from Charlotte to Seattle. I'm excited and ready for a new adventure.
The last few days have been interesting. I've been by myself at home without Ryan. It's been difficult to be away from him but I have been using the time to think more about my past and my present. You never know when your past will reappear in your present. There are many people from my past that have shared historical experiences with me that I no longer keep in touch with. This troubles me sometimes. How can I have history, deep history, with someone and then move on with my life? How as humans can we be so incredibly close to someone and then go years without any contact. I remember this kid I met at YMCA of the Rockies in Estes Park Colorado. We had a blast together each summer for a few years. One summer he didn't show up and that was the end of our relationship. I look back on that time and wonder why God brought him into my life only to remove him and leave a twinge of pain. I think about friends from high school that I've lost contact with and friends even in my 20s that have become just memories in my heart. I'm careful now who I let get close to me because I know at any point in my life he/she may be gone and I'm left with the pain. Today the pain is intense. The tears come easy. It bothers me that life isn't a fairy tale story where all of the characters are friends in the end. Sometimes you can't be close to old friends...not the way that you once were.
Laura